How I Took the Work out of Networking
There is an exceptionally rare, hyper-extroverted personality type who loves being in a room full of strangers.
For the rest of us, which is basically everyone, networking in-person is about as fun as giving a speech at a cocktail party to people you didn’t invite.
But the first principle of my new business HERE is that it’s best to contract with local freelancers and independent consultants. Which means I need to know A LOT of business people in town — founders, owners and managers either in need of professional services or available to offer them.
Since April, I’ve been out and about in Portland, networking until it hurts.
About six months in, I realized I’d picked up some tricks and hacks that made this part of my job fairly painless — even fun. I want to share these because so many of us have a nagging sense that we should be out networking — but the pain/gain ratio just doesn’t warrant doing it.
Here are ten ways you can change that ratio. Lower the pain, elevate the gain.
Before You Go
Make sure the networking event is actually a networking event. The most challenging rooms I’ve been in have been mixers, happy hours and meetups for crowds that already know each other and are designed so they can hang out with each other. Ensure the word “networking” is in the event announcement, ideally with a timed agenda so you can see in advance when and how the event designers have made time and space for attendees to get to know each other. The event might not say “networking,” but you should be able to tell from the invitation if it’s an open call for people to mix or a recurring event. Beware the small and recurring event; it is naturally going to be more chummy and harder to navigate.
Go with a super-easy goal. My standard goal for every event is to leave with one solid contact — someone I will definitely follow up with. If I meet two or three people in this category, it’s a bonanza. Because these events are teeming with so many people we might want to know, there’s pressure to work the room hard and meet as many of them as possible. That’s stressful! A better approach is to go with an objective that you know you can reach, and, once achieved, to know you’ve met your goal and can leave any time, successful. Highly introverted types might set this goal as a single conversation, or even just to get to the event without chickening out (at least to start). Even though it’s networking and that implies multiplicity, remember that relationships still can only happen one at a time. There’s actually a downside to trying to meet too many people at one event: your internal clock-watching and impatience will make you distracted, and overly transactional. Neither you nor your conversation partners will find that a fun space to be in.
Plan to arrive early. This is backward from social events where the awkward factor decreases the later you show up. At these events, no one is happier to see you than the hosts, who are always there first and only available for chatting at the start. By arriving when the event kicks off, you’ll have these folks to yourself and they’re going to be thrilled to talk to you, especially if you’re a first timer to their event. You get the benefit of a ready-made and appreciative first conversation, an immediate connection to the host organization, and an easy way to warm up your conversational muscles. It’s also easier to meet the first few attendees milling about at the start before the room gets loud and crowded.
Once There
It’s easiest to approach others who are solo. It’s uncomfortable to be alone at these things — we’re predisposed to dislike being alone in groups. It brings up feelings of social exclusion and ostracism because of our deep evolutionary wiring for belonging and safety. The good news is you’re not alone in this feeling — everyone has it. So, the easiest way to strike up a conversation is to find someone who is either walking or standing alone, and to rescue them with your approach. The corollary to this is to find groups of three and to simply walk up to the trio and stand there. They are not having a private conversation (since there are three of them), and they will quickly introduce themselves. After a short while, you might be able to begin a one-on-one conversation with the person in the group who most interests you. The other two will naturally pair off as well. Comfortable for everyone.
Scan the room for people who look friendly or approachable. Some people will strike you as easier to talk to, just from their appearance. Everyone presents differently, but people who are relaxed and have open body language always create a sense of safety and welcoming. On our side though, we each bring a unique history of conditioning, trauma, bias, culture, empathy and emotional state to every social interaction. So some people will make you feel more anxious than me. But because so much of this is non-verbal, the cool thing is you can assay this stuff from a distance. You can decide who you’re going approach based on your intuition, especially at the start before interactions, introductions (and alcohol) tend to start flowing. This aligns with the prior suggestion of culling the crowd: you aren’t there to meet as many people as possible. You’re there to meet a few people and if you’re tuned into your body, it will tend to point them out for you.
Be alone. Take breaks. It’s allowed. Not only allowed, but encouraged. It might seem like it’s against the rules (because you don’t see a lot of this behavior), but for most people, there’s no way to get through 60 or 90 minutes of nonstop chatter with strangers without re-centering. The worst way to ground yourself is to leave (I’ve done that many times), because it forecloses the event early for you, unnecessarily. The better way is to simply head for the bathroom, the bar, or to take a walk around the venue. The point is to get some alone-time right then and there. Even standing or sitting by yourself in the middle of the action is okay. Use your phone as a prop; it’s okay to check messages, look occupied, as long as you’re not getting lost in phone stuff. You’re really just using the time to recharge your interest, attention span and stamina. By choosing to be solitary, you’re also inviting someone to approach you (see No. 4). I’ve had people come talk to me out of what I am sure was pity. I didn’t mind at all. I was grateful.
Break off conversations before they break you. Let’s be honest: not everyone is interesting to everyone, and this is doubly true at networking events where we aren’t casually socializing but rather seeking professional confederates with whom there’s at least a modicum of associative upside. But we’re all nice people, and we’re not practiced at cutting people off or cutting conversations short. There are a few ways to do this at networking events, and you must. Nothing drains your limited energy faster than getting trapped in an overly long conversation (i.e. monologue) with someone you know will always be dark matter in your galaxy. Three exit lines I like: “I don’t want to monopolize your time so….” “We’re both here to network, so we should probably meet some other folks….” “I promised myself I would meet five people tonight so I’d better move along….”
The Finish
Getting contact information is more important than giving it. This is so obvious, but it took me a few events before I realized it. You will meet people that you want to follow up with; hence, you have to have their card or LinkedIn contact information. That way you are assured you can reach them the next day or whenever. This isn’t possible if you’ve only handed them your card or contact info because then the ball is in their court only. I love business cards and I love giving them away, which I know is a bit old fashioned (though I can report a lot of people still use cards). But I’ve learned this lesson: you can go to event and not give a single card or LinkedIn connection, but you can not return without these from the cool people you met. You need to make sure the follow-up is in your hands.
Leave when you’re feeling good. Like the so-called rule about not being alone, the assumption is that you have to stay at these events for most or all of their duration. Nah. You should leave when you’re feeling good. That could be as soon as you’ve reached your goal. Or after an especially surprising and uplifting conversation. Or after you helped yourself to an extra plate of charcuterie. Or maybe it is when you’re ushered out because you were, astonishingly, having fun. The point is that you need to leave in a state of mind that will make it more likely you’ll do this again. And sometimes for me that’s meant staying only 15 or 20 minutes. This is especially true at events where you’re not vibing. If you’re using all these tricks and it’s still a tough go, don’t muscle through. Live to network another day.
Last and most: Realize why you’re doing this. This really is the most important one, and deserves its own post. You must not go to these events with just a sales pitch and a single-mindedness about growing your business. If that’s your M.O., prepare for a steady diet of rejection and the resultant indigestion for networking. This is not to say that these events aren’t all about lead generation, business development, growing your referral base etc. They are. But the simple math is that most of the people you meet will not be helpful with any of that. Does that bring us right back to the negative pain/gain ratio we started with? It all depends on why you go. I go because I’ve learned that I enjoy knowing what people in my community are up to, no matter how distant it is from my own project. I’ve learned that I’m forever curious about where people are from, and how they came to settle in Portland. I’ve learned that paying attention to other peoples’ stories is its own kind of reward, and that the chain of prosperity starts right there. That it’s all business generating, in the largest frames of time and causality. If you can grow your “why” larger and larger, you’ll want to keep doing this, I promise.
If you’d like to get to know HERE better, please drop me an email at kenny@hereforpdx.net. We’re building a new kind of professional network in Portland, Oregon. One that prioritizes independent firms rooted right here, servicing the small businesses who keep Portland’s local and creative economy humming along.